Need advice from VegWeb agony aunts
Ok, I promised myself I'd be a big girl and not ask the Interwebs for help but you guys always give such good advice.
I need to break up with my boyfriend. We've been together three and a half years and this is our second try; we dated for a few months when I was 18 but it was long-distance and we were pretty immature. About a year after that I pretty much made a scene and told him we should get back together and he agreed. Since then, the whole dynamic has changed; where before I was begging him to get back with me, this time he's the clingy one. He's lost weight, learned to cook a few recipes, gone vegetarian, gone back to university and even moved away from his friends and family to live in the same city as me and I feel like he wouldn't have done any of that had we not been together. The first three things I encouraged him to do, the last I actively encouraged him not to if it was only to avoid more long distance.
Bottom line is, he seems to do everything to try to please me or because he thinks I'll be impressed. It feels like he's only happy when he's making me happy and while that sounds like an amazing thing, it really isn't, because it feels like the only things we share are MY things. Living closer together has only made it worse and I've got to the point where I value his companionship as a friend more than any romantic connection we had.
Problems: I'm 99% sure he doesn't see anything wrong right now, despite the fact that we've had some issues in the past with me not being entirely satisfied with our relationship. I went so far as to try and address them and after he whined for a bit, I relented and we assumed we'd come to a resolution, which seems not to be the case. Also, he has a fair amount of his possessions stored at my parents' house as he has nowhere else for them to go. And he is in possession of some naughty pictures of yours truly. Given his tendency towards immaturity, I am not happy about the existence of said pictures on his hard-drive.
So usually I'd open with "we need to talk" and give him the low-down. But for some reason I feel like I might be being selfish and unfair here, particularly given that he's using my room in my parents' house as storage. Sigh. I'd really like some advice that isn't my mother telling me I could do better.
If you feel that your needs are not being met then I'd agree with you that it's time to end things. I wouldn't feel guilty about the fact he moved to be with you especially if your encouraged him not to. My only piece of advice would be to let your parents know ahead of time so they'll be ready for him to come get his things and also to try to get on his computer and delete those naughty pictures before you break up with him so he can't use them to try to embarrass or get back at you after the fact. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
Well, first off, I wouldn't take things like the fact he is using your parents house as storage into consideration. That's nice and all, but he can either find something else or work something out with your parents (if you're comfortable with it).
In terms of the relationship: Do you definitely want to end it? If you do, end it. There is no sense dragging something out that you do not want to be a part of anymore.
If you do not necessarily want to end it but are open to a change in the dynamic of the relationship, I would basically tell him what you have said here (assuming he does not know this is an issue to you) and say that it isn't what you desire your relationship to be and that you would like XYZ to be changed in order for it to be more fulfilling to you, if he does not comply, dump him.
Basically, as hard as it is in dumping situations, you need to think about yourself primarily. Yes, it is someone you love/loved, but hurting always happens and is going to happen. It's easier to have a lot of (a defined amount) hurt for a short amount of time than to drag that out through an unsatisfying relationship (and if you are unhappy, even if he is completely happy, it's unfair and unsatisfying for him, too).
Written before mirrya and hesp's posts appeared:
Oh no, that sucks.
I'd definitely do the "we need to talk" discussion. Why do you feel you're being selfish if you do that? Relationships are inherently selfish--they're about how much you enjoy being with someone. Clearly this relationship is not enjoyable to you anymore, romantically speaking.
If you mean being selfish because you don't want to boot him when he has no where to go (or will have to move), then I say tough cookies. You encouraged him not to abandon his friends and family, and he did. Time for him to put on his big boy pants and grow up, it sounds like. He needs this.
So yes, if it were me, I'd probably plan all the points I wanted to say, and then just talk to him--have him let you speak and say all your points before he responds, so that there is no room for biting your tongue or being persuaded out of it. I definitely wouldn't stick around with him any longer--it sounds like your mind is made up, and you are not longer getting anything out of the relationship. And it's just gonna get worse for him the longer you wait--especially if his entire existence depends on you. Ugh.
As for the pictures--that's tough. If you lived with him, I'd say go into his computer if you can and just delete them before said discussion occurs. It might be underhanded, but you need to protect your own ass (literally). Do you really think he'd do something vengeful with them? That's awful. You could also always just ask him about them, but I can't imagine that going very well, especially if he is upset with you. Oh goodness. I don't know how else to address it.
Also, your mom is right--you can do better!
Guys, thank you.
True. I may have to chat with my mum when she gets back from holiday and make her aware of possible change in situation.
KMK: the selfish thing is weird. I think it's because I feel like he gives a lot and I don't necessarily, especially not lately. This is an awful thing to say but in some ways I feel like I've become smarter and a little more mature over time plus I have more discipline and a bunch of hobbies to occupy me, so to break up with him out of the blue is like picking on the fat kid. Like, "Hey, you spend your days reading first year English lit material and playing World of Warcraft; have a surprise break-up to add spice to your life!"
The pictures. ACK. I don't fully believe he'd do anything with them but in the heat of the moment, who knows? Besides, a few months back he was messing with me about them in good fun and I jokingly said, "Hmm, I'm not sure that I like you having that kind of leverage!" He responded that he hadn't thought of that before but now he was. I half-want to be super-casual and say I'm around his halls, can I come over, convince him to delete the evidence and then do "We need to talk" but that seems kind of underhanded and I feel like if I'm going to break up I need to walk in and do it.
I don't think it is underhanded to ask him to delete the pictures (or get rid of them yourself). I think that having naughty pictures of someone is an intimate thing and if someone doesn't want someone else to have them after a relationship is over it is not too much to ask, even if they aren't afraid of them doing something mean-spirited with them.
I don't know how he would react to that request, mind you, but I am just saying as an unbiased observer that I believe it to be a reasonable request.
KMK: the selfish thing is weird. I think it's because I feel like he gives a lot and I don't necessarily, especially not lately. This is an awful thing to say but in some ways I feel like I've become smarter and a little more mature over time plus I have more discipline and a bunch of hobbies to occupy me, so to break up with him out of the blue is like picking on the fat kid. Like, "Hey, you spend your days reading first year English lit material and playing World of Warcraft; have a surprise break-up to add spice to your life!"
Oh OK, I get it. So it's like a pity thing. But of course, pity isn't a good reason not to break up with someone. You don't want to stay with someone because you feel bad for them. You need to be selfish here.
You are 100% right. You just need to DO IT.
If you think you can convince him to delete them first, then try to do that before hand, even if it is somewhat sneaky. In the end it will be worth it. I mean, if he hangs on your every whim, then he'll delete them if you say so, right? ^-^ ???
Oh OK, I get it. So it's like a pity thing. But of course, pity isn't a good reason not to break up with someone. You don't want to stay with someone because you feel bad for them. You need to be selfish here.
You are 100% right. You just need to DO IT.
If you think you can convince him to delete them first, then try to do that before hand, even if it is somewhat sneaky. In the end it will be worth it. I mean, if he hangs on your every whim, then he'll delete them if you say so, right? ^-^ ???
Yes. Yes. Logical woman is logical. I knew you'd come through on this one ;)
And Hesp, I think it's reasonable too, but I suspect that 'reasonable' will go out the window for a while so I'm playing it safe.
two words: storage unit.
if he can't afford one, then here's two more words: yard sale.
thats all his problem so you don't need to stress yourself about it. he's a grown up - sorta, so he can deal with that on his own. everyone else has already said what i would say so yeah - listen to them.
also, about the pics.. do you know where they are on his computer? if so, ask him if you can use his computer because yours is acting weird and delete away... otherwise, you'll need to confront him about it and make him show them to you so you can delete them - and empty the trash too so he can't retrieve the files. aside from that you'll just have to trust him to not be an asshole. good luck!
maybe you can do it via world of warcraft through your characters.... that'd be easy!
also, about the pics.. do you know where they are on his computer? if so, ask him if you can use his computer because yours is acting weird and delete away...
Good idea!
I went over today. I had to take a form into uni for my Masters application and I just asked if I could drop by. Told him I'd really like him to delete the photos as it was worrying me a little, and he did so and then said, "Why, are you breaking up with me or something?"
Actually, yes.
It was okay. He said he figured it was coming, we agreed that after the dust settles we'll probably stay friends. He sent me a text just after I left saying he'll be sad and angry for a while but he gets why I ending things and told me not to feel guilty.
I feel like this was as civilised and mature a break-up as we could have had and I don't feel like I've lost a friend forever which is great because we've always been close, even before we were boyfriend-girlfriend.
Thanks for all your help and advice, guys. I'm kind of down but I'm not a sobbing mess which tells me that I did the right thing here.
Also, PPC: he dropped my mum a text asking when it'd be convenient to move his stuff. I'm assuming he'll find storage for it somewhere; anyway, the fact that this wasn't a dramatic, finger-pointing mess means that if we have to talk about moving things, we can do that.
Good job! I'm glad things went okay.
awesome! that's great - im glad things went so smoothly!
welcome back to singlehood! i'm guessing we'll be seeing you in the moratorium?
I think I'll be avoiding dating and dating-related talk for quite a while! But I may look in every now and then, yes :)
I think I'll be avoiding dating and dating-related talk for quite a while! But I may look in every now and then, yes :)
You are always welcome! We talk about shunning losers and also shunning dating as a whole. ;)b
I went over today. I had to take a form into uni for my Masters application and I just asked if I could drop by. Told him I'd really like him to delete the photos as it was worrying me a little, and he did so and then said, "Why, are you breaking up with me or something?"
Actually, yes.
It was okay. He said he figured it was coming, we agreed that after the dust settles we'll probably stay friends. He sent me a text just after I left saying he'll be sad and angry for a while but he gets why I ending things and told me not to feel guilty.
I feel like this was as civilised and mature a break-up as we could have had and I don't feel like I've lost a friend forever which is great because we've always been close, even before we were boyfriend-girlfriend.
Thanks for all your help and advice, guys. I'm kind of down but I'm not a sobbing mess which tells me that I did the right thing here.
Also, PPC: he dropped my mum a text asking when it'd be convenient to move his stuff. I'm assuming he'll find storage for it somewhere; anyway, the fact that this wasn't a dramatic, finger-pointing mess means that if we have to talk about moving things, we can do that.
Wow! That's great it went so smoothly! From your first post it sounded like he would be totally shocked and devastated.
So did he delete the photos?
I believe so. I think he may still have some kicking about on the dead hard-drive which was once a computer, but eh.
I'm not going to lie, I've been pretty wracked with doubt today but we exchanged a couple of texts yesterday afternoon just for a bit of closure and boundary-setting and it's been agreed on both sides that while we're not going to be able to speak or hang out for a long time, we will be friends. What can I say? It sucks but the fact that I'm not a total mess is telling, I think.
nice work, catski! good breakups are the best.
Also, I am rarely in the position of the person who feels like they don't give enough, but I have been before, and it bites the big one. Can't please everyone in those situations...which sucks.