non-vegan party/dinner invites
Hi, I'm new to posting - I found this site a few weeks ago but haven't posted anything yet. I was wondering what people do when they are invited to dinner or to a party that is not vegan. I've been a vegetarian for 11 years but I became a vegan about 3 months ago (for multiple reasons - health, environment, my love for animals). I sometimes found it challenging to go to a dinner party as a vegetarian but as a vegan I'm really at a loss. The last time someone invited me she said, "it's okay if you are vegan - you can just eat what you can eat" but she didn't offer the menu and I made an excuse about why I couldn't go. I felt rude. I would feel rude if I went and couldn't eat anything. I don't want to be antisocial but I'm just getting use to this way of eating. To complicate matters even more - not only have I become a vegan but I've given up refined foods and as much processed food as I can too. I have weight issues and eating this way has helped me lose weight and feel so much better. Is there a way I can be social, polite, & stay true to veganism?
Welcome aboard! We hope you keep posting. The more the merrier--and the more we learn.
I don't often go to parties but on the rare occasion that I do, there are several ways I handle it. I don't like for people to feel like they have to fix something special for me or accomodate my choice of eating (I think there are others on the board who would disagree with that, though). Still, I feel the same way you do about refined and processed food in addition to just the animal product issue which adds to the problem.
So...if it's the kind of party where I can bring something to share, I do that. If it's a meal-type party, I make sure it's something substantial so that I won't be hungry. Then I try to blend into the background so people won't notice that I'm eating only my food. Works pretty well for a potluck. You're moving around a lot anyway.
If it's a cocktail party, I'd just carry a drink around (even if it's just water with ice--who's to know whether or not it's straight-up vodka ;)). If there's a vegetable tray, I'd snack on that without the dip, but I would have eaten something at home before I got there so I don't get smashed or starve.
Dinner parties are a problem. Fortunately, I seldom get invited to one of those. If it's in a restaurant, I don't mind calling ahead or having the host make sure there is an acceptable option for me. In someone's home--well, it depends on how well I know them. If I know them well, I still don't like to ask for special treatment. If I know them well, however, they may offer and then I have to decide whether I can accept what the host offers. Or I might even say that I'd love to come for the fellowship but I'll have something to eat at home before I go. Of course, you risk having to answer a bunch of questions from the other guests about why you're not eating. If I don't know them well, I'm just as likely to make an excuse and not go rather than ask for something special or sit there and not eat at all.
Fortunately, as I alluded to above, I'm not a very social person to begin with so I'm not often in any of the above positions. :P Suits me just fine.
In one way I feel like the host should fix something for me to afterall ain't I guest in their home?
I would fix something for them.
But also in another way I do feel bad I don't want to put them out in doing something special for me.
Ask them can I bring my own food (if it's a dinner party) and you can just reheat it up for me and also say you made it for me?
I like what Bookmama had to say. Really, though, I should just back right out of this thread. I'm all too happy to stay at home by myself. I get in trouble when I hang around other people too much. I'm pretty quiet, so people think I'm a snob. When I talk, I offend someone. ::) That's what I love about the internet. I can go back and delete half of what I say when I realize that what I'm trying to say came out all wrong.
In one way I feel like the host should fix something for me to afterall ain't I guest in their home?
I would fix something for them.
Well, since I'm in the minority at the party (unless it's a vegan party--and how likely is that :D) and I don't have food allergies that are dangerous, I just don't feel like the host should HAVE to provide something special for me. It would be wonderful if they'd offer, but I still would tell them that wasn't necessary. If I were a party-going type, I might worry that if the hosts were always having to prepare special food for me, they'd get tired of that and I would cease to be on their list.
And if it were a vegan party and I had invited an omni, I'm not sure I'd want to provide something special for them. There are a number of omnis that don't eat veggies and only eat meat (and maybe potatoes) so they might feel that they could request that I provide them with some meat. Just don't think I'm up for that. :P
I buy chicken strips at a deli for my parents to slice up to put on their salad when they visit. It's not going on the main food, it's just for them as a side item. If people are in my home I, as the host, want them to be comfortable. If I didn't, those people shouldn't be in my house. My parents eat meat for dinner - every night. They would feel hungry and deprived if they didn't have any meat with their meal, so I suck it up and get some for them.
If someone invited me to dinner, knowing I was vegan, I would expect some courtesy. I wouldn't expect a vegan protein, but if the host was making a salad and putting animal on it, I would expect her/him to set a plate of salad aside before those things were added. Or set aside corn on the cob if butter is being added to it all. Why would I want to go somewhere where the host doesn't show me basic consideration - not because I'm vegan, but because I'm a guest.
I'm confident that when I'm invited to a dinner, the people want me enough that they wouldn't stop inviting me because my food requirements are a little unconventional. I'm sure that all of us have friends who feel this way--not that we want to take advantage of their graciousness or inconvenience them.
If possible (meaning informal event) I'd offer to bring something to share. If a planned dinner party with set courses, I'd ask the hostess to tell me in advance the items she's serving and ask that only the vegan dishes be served to me. I mean, she is the hostess. It's her job to make her guests feel comfortable. Or his obligation--if it's a guy.
I have to disagree with Honey in that I feel that as the reason I'm vegan is ethical, I am not obliged to compromise my ethics and offer omnivorous foods to non-vegans entering my home. After all, they haven't sworn off vegan foods for themselves, right? I would hope that my non-vegan guests would gladly accept the vegan items I offer them.
When my partially omnivorous relatives (some are vegetarian) come to my house, I allow them to cook and eat and store non-vegan items in my house--provided they take them home when they leave. But this is only because I have no children in my home and I'm not trying to set an example for my offspring to follow.
I'd be like "Ok I'll just sit in the corner then" if anybody told me that saying they know I'm a vegan and so on.
I really hate to have any non-vegan food in my home my worst nightmare is to be trapped in a meat locker that's how much I hate it.
But I do want people to feel more than welcomed in my home.
Although that doesn't mean someone should compromise their ethics for it. Any good friend should understand that. If you say listen it really means alot to me that I don't cook any form of meat not that I'm trying to make you a vegetarian here would you mind bringing something for yourself to my party (or when you come over).
I'll have to agree with Bookmama on this one. While it would be great if people asked me about my food preferences for a party or dinner - and many of them have -- I prefer that they not go out of their way for me. I usually have a filling meal before the event just in case there is little for me to eat. That way my tummy's not doing the rumba and I can just enjoy the company with a glass of wine or water, and maybe fruit or salad if they have it there.
This isn't exactly pertinent, but it is in a way.
The way I see it: it isn't as problematic/asking too much for an omni to preapre something for a vegan versus asking a vegan to prepare something involving meat for an omni. I bet she would be more than happy to whip up a little something on the side for you, and if it is troublesome, then I don't think she would have invited you! She wants you there, the way you are.
Before vegetarianism was even a consideration of mine, I would gladly have prepared something for any vegetarians/vegans attending, even if it was just something simple (seasoned squash, an alternative pasta sauce). I would say talk to her. Your worries are not illegitimate! If she's a relatively close friend, take her a side and explain to her your concerns and maybe together you guys can make a plan. :)
Thank you everyone for all the ideas. As I read everyone's comments, I realized that the invitations that made me nervous were the ones from people at work or church who really didn't know me very well and might not have known I was a vegan when they invited me. I think I might avoid those situations because I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them. I hate standing out or being a bother. But now I feel better about offering to bring something or talking to the host when the person who invited me knows I'm a vegan. Or I like the idea from Bookmama & others who suggested eating before I go and nibbling on things I can eat while I'm there. Luckily this is mostly an "end of the school year" and Christmas time problem for me. I appreciate hearing how other vegans feel about this since the majority of people in my life are definitely not vegetarians.